You said one game. That was four hours ago.

 

Somewhere between your first open play and your current 3.5 ladder standing, pickleball stopped being a hobby and became your entire personality. Your knees have opinions now. You have a nemesis you've never spoken to. You call a group chat of forty-seven near-strangers "my people."

 

You are not okay. This book proves it — lovingly, and in devastating detail.

 

A field guide to every regular at open play. The Ten Commandments of the Kitchen. Your pickleball horoscope, dating profile, and résumé. The group chat, transcribed and fully unhinged. It's funny because it's true — and unsettling because it's true about you.

 

The perfect gift for the pickleball obsessive who's impossible to shop for and impossible to reach after 7 a.m. They own four paddles and a bag they didn't need. They don't own this.

 

You will recognize yourself. That's not a bug. That's the joke.

 

The courts open at six. Now grab the book.